A New Game!!!!!!

February 4, 2017

Hey guys! I’ve been developing a new game and I’m so excited to share it with you all! It’s inspired by the show Westworld and an unofficial spinoff of the online computer game Sims. Here’s the new teaser for the game:

A world of West to make of your own creation. Pims: World of West.

The original name was Sims: Westworld but I got into a huge lawsuit over that name! So now it’s Pims: World of West. Pims: World of West is everything you love about Sims! Except with new unique graphics that take Sims to a whole other level. You’ll be throwing your old Sims game in the trash with these new graphics. Here’s a never-before-seen screenshot of the gameplay:screen-shot-2017-02-04-at-5-05-57-pm

The graphics are completely original! And everything is up to you! Even how you want to shoot somebody!

I won’t even pretend that you actually do the stuff on Sims that the expansion packs give you, like becoming a gardener or cooking filet mignon because you can do that shit in real life! The only life choices you can make in Pims: World of West are extremely inappropriate and not at all socially acceptable! Just like most of the bullshit you pulled in Sims! Like, getting every girl in town pregnant or murdering your Sims! Except now you don’t have to drown them or lock them in a room and make them die of starvation. Now you can just shoot them dead in a fast draw or lynch them!

And everything you loved about Westworld is ingrained in the game! But not too ingrained! Because of the lawsuit! Other activities include manhunts, cheating on your significant other, going on a murder spree around town, prostitution, and more!

Pims: World of West goes on sale TOMORROW so preorder your copy today and it will arrive to your house in six weeks!

***DISCLAIMER***Pims: World of West is not affiliated with Sims or Westworld. Rated M for extremely graphic violence, extremely coarse language, and extreme nudity. Please do not play if you are 30 or under. Do not play if you are at risk of a heart attack or stroke. Do not play if you suffer from HIV or HPV, or if you are pregnant. If you begin to show signs of depression or anxiety, I wouldn’t be surprised. Go see a doctor.

*ALSO A DISCLAIMER* This game is not real and if you read it and thought it was and wanted to buy it, you should see a therapist because you have bigger issues than a lack of sarcasm.

A New Ad Campaign. By Nike. Just Do It.

January 21, 2017

screen-shot-2017-01-20-at-8-01-44-pmShe doesn’t understand everything that happens when she runs. But she does it and she feels like everything is pulling away from her. The whole earth is plummeting through space and stretching through time in a slow, anti-gravity feeling of pure magic. She wasn’t falling in love or falling off a cliff. She was diving off the face of the planet, in a feeling of euphoria. She ran and she ran, when everyone told her the earth was round and every voice in her head told her the grass was green. She ran. She ran because she had two legs and she ran because she could. She ran to defy.

She ran because she had nothing else to live for. She ran because of love, she ran because of hate, she ran because she had nothing. Else. To live for. So she ran. She ran because her boyfriend bought her new running shoes. She ran because he lost the receipt and she couldn’t return them. She ran because she didn’t know how to break up with her boyfriend. She ran because the shoes were cute, and he also got her a gift card to LuLuLemon. She ran because she was super stressed about the fact that he’s, like, really into fitness and she started drinking protein shakes. She ran because she broke up with her boyfriend and found out he was an asshole and he asked for the shoes back and so she kicked him in the balls. And she ran. But then she ran back because it was her apartment. She ran so fast and so long and she fell so fast and so hard and then suddenly she stopped running. Her feet felt the ground again, her toes gaining a tingling sense of disbelief that she had ran as far as she had. She was free. Her feet on the ground, her head in the clouds. She was grounded and serene. She was herself again.

New Running Shoes.

By Nike.

Just Do It.

 

Caroline Pohl

A Look Back

January 20, 2017

On this day, Armageddon– I mean, gosh, sorry, I mean Inauguration Day, this is the time to look back. And think about what all of the past presidents have achieved and how Donald John(athan?) Trump will create an entirely new history for America. Rewrite the rules, if you will. OBLITERATE AMERICA, YOU COULD SAY.

Anyways, this is a time to look back. A time for mourning– I mean– a time for nostalgia. So in honor of this horrific moment in human history, I am sharing with you some passages from stories previously written and never finished by me. A look back on my fictional history. One of these passages is as old as your six-year-old child. That is to say, six years old.

And without further ado, here you go. Please feel free never to talk to me again after reading them.They are, unfortunately, 100% genuine things I wrote 3-7 years ago.

Excerpt #1: “My theory on the town: Some guy from the early ninteenhundreds came rolling into a cornfield on his high horse and painting utensils and decide to invest all his money into making the artsiest small town in the entire world.” – 2013

I thought I’d start off easy with this one. Some errors in wording, and a terrible joke but nothing too painful as far as knowing the fact that I wrote it when I was sixteen. Let’s see if I can find some from the abyss of my boy crazy phases.

Excerpt #2: “He shrugs, toothpaste falling out of his mouth. He’s pretty much wearing the bare minimum clothing: boxers. That’s it. But I don’t mind it that much, he swims in his pool nearly every day doing laps. It treats his lean and muscled body well.” – 2012

Alright, this one is worse. But I’m confused, myself, as to why it sounds so sexual near the end. When I read the whole passage, it was more or less just a character walking in on another character while he was brushing his teeth in the bathroom. They weren’t even love interests. My theory is that I was watching The Vampire Diaries while writing it and thinking about Paul Wesley. Mm. Paul Wesley.

Excerpt #3: “His eyes were dark too, and very brown. His hair was very brown.” -2014

I’m pretty disappointed in seventeen-year-old Caroline because that wasn’t even that long ago. And admittedly, this was a description of a love interest in a story. Also admittedly, it was a horrendous story that I got two pages into and stopped. But with good reason. The reason probably being to start another horrendous story.

Excerpt #4: “I didn’t care that he looked like Kevin Spacey[…]. The song ‘Eternal Flame’ by The Bangles was playing on the jukebox.”- 2011

End this post with a bang. I would like to point out something about this excerpt. It is entirely real and entirely something that I wrote. According to Microsoft Word, this was written in 2011. I was fourteen. I would also like to point out that this does not mean that when I was fourteen, I was writing sex scenes with guys that looked like Kevin Spacey (does that mean that this character was in his forties? I GUESS YOU WILL NEVER KNOW). To be honest, I have no memory of writing this and it disturbs me that it still exists on any computer that is on this earth. And in addition, I would like to ask my younger self why I chose Kevin Spacey and how Kevin Spacey was relevant at all to my life in 2011. I also would you like you to really contemplate what exactly this scene was about. Keep in mind. I was in the eighth grade.To reiterate the most important aspect of this excerpt: it’s not a sex scene about a middle-aged man. I was fourteen.

My hope in sharing these bits of my teen history is that if you’re disappointed in the fact that Trump exists, there is still hope for America. I may have written about a “very brown” descripted man when I was seventeen. And Kevin Spacey and The Bangles when I was fourteen. But there is always room for improvement. And though circumstances may seem apocalyptic now, he won’t be running the country forever just like there is no way in hell I could have kept writing shit about “muscled bodies” while I’m now officially in my twenties. So have hope. And goodnight. #bringbackTheBangles2k17

(I mean, at least I hope I’ve improved my writing since then. If not, then tell me and I’ll light my laptop on fire and drop out of college.)

Final comment: how did I know the song “Eternal Flame” by The Bangles when I was a fourteen-year-old in 2011.

This Sucks But I’m Posting it Anyways Because Sometimes When You Haven’t Posted in Awhile, You Have to Post Something Just to Keep Your Website Active. Especially if You Want to Write in New York City and Think a Blog is Going to be Beneficial in Fulfilling That Dream. I Am, Egotistically, Referring To Myself. Except I’m Not Going to Be Famous. I’ll Probably End Up Living in a Crevice Between Two Skyscrapers With a Junkyard Dog and Macaulay Culkin.

January 14, 2017

WARNING: There was no thought put into this. Proceed with caution.

Introducing to the stage: some native New Jersey dick who thinks he’s from New York and makes fun of another guy from New Jersey.

The other day I saw this guy. And he was carrying this huge babydoll and I was so confused, so dumbfounded, and I sat there and I thought, what is this guy doin’ with this huge babydoll? And I go up to him– I do, I go up to him, seriously– I say, “Sir, what’s up with the babydoll?” And he goes– oh, he goes– this is too much– he says, “It was my daughter’s.”

I say, “What’s wrong with you daughter? She dead or somethin’?”

And the guy– this asshole– he goes, “Yeah, she did as a matter of fact. A year ago. She was only five.”

I go– this is too good– I go– seriously, this is what I said, “Sir, whatayeah doin’ with you dead daughter’s babydoll?”

And he goes, I swear to you this is exact words, can’t make this stuff up, seriously, he goes– he goes, “I’m donating it to the…” oh my god–this stuff is great– this is really his teeth and his tongue talkin’ here, he goes “I’m donating it to the salvation AWRMY.”

And I break out laughing! I really do! The guy was from Jersey, go figures amiright?

You all have been a great crowd. Love New York. I’m from New York! Alright,  great night– such a great crowd, here– you all been just great– so great– thank you– g’night, g’night. Alright, I’m outta here.

Regrettably written by Caroline Pohl because she’s an asshole and she couldn’t think of anything to write so this is what you get. You all have been a great crowd, g’night.

Bedtime Story

January 3, 2017

It was a long night. The shutters shuddered and the drinkers drank. What a party it was. His mind was weakening as the night lingered on, talking to everything at the party that could speak. But then his eyes laid upon a guest that he could not take them off of. She was absolutely splendid, simply magnificent, stupidly massive, insanely plump, disgustingly scaley, an unsightly periwinkle, and– did she have wings? Oh, shit. That’s totally a dragon.

Guests ran, fires scorched, and suddenly his calm and competent houseguests turned into crisp bone in a matter of seconds. The dragon left only the man. The host. The dragon’s eyes were resting on him with a passionate intensity filled with a pleasant desire. She was at least thirty feet in height, her curving body slithering towards him and her wings spread like an eagle.

“Hey, I’m Wanda,” the dragon said.

From that moment on it was love. It was absolute adoration. He had no more friends to entertain, for she had burnt them all like microwaved bacon, leaving him no one else but her. And she showered him with affection.

A month later she became pregnant. And then later, hatched human dragons.

What an absolute miracle it was indeed. There were six of them. Keith, Heith, Bryan, Jackie, and Albert. What an absolute litter of human dragons they were.

They grew up and their lives were nothing less than magic, growing up in the man’s castle and becoming scaling humans that were abnormally sized. Wanda was afraid they would be picked on at school so she taught them everything they knew in the castle. She taught all the necessities from scale grooming to human scorching to man trapping. It was an absolute splendor.

It was when one of the human dragons started dating someone around town that the family hit some rocks.

Okay, so it turns out that Wanda, the dragon that trapped the rich guy with the castle and had babies with her, is the daughter of Donkey and Dragon from Shrek. Oh, it gets better. So, like, when Wanda met Keith’s girlfriend, Wanda was super freaked out because Keith’s girlfriend looked just like that bitch, Fiona. And so she asked the girl who her mom was and guess what she said. Fucking Princess Fiona. Wanda went off. She was like, “You get out of my castle before I call–”

And that little ogre ho snapped back before Wanda even had a chance to finish and was like, “Who you going to call, the princess? Bitch, I am the princess.”

And then she took Keith and they ran away together. The End.

Caroline Pohl

For Olivia

A Husband Watches His Future Wife Walk Down the Aisle

January 2, 2017

Wow. I totally can’t tell in that dress that she’s three months pregnant. I wonder when she’s going to tell her parents. Wait, maybe she’ll never tell them. Maybe she doesn’t even know that she’s pregnant. Maybe she’ll just wake up one morning and poop out a baby in the toilet thinking it was the copious amount of rice pudding she had last night. Shit, then she’ll be on that TLC show about the women who didn’t know they were pregnant. And then her mom will find out because she DVRs that show and watches it on Saturday mornings. Then we’ll have to tell her mom that we named her granddaughter Feces because we thought it was funny. And then one day we’ll have to tell Feces that she was born into a toilet and that’s why we named her Feces. And that her mom didn’t even realize she was having a baby until she heard the toilet start to cry. Wow, my wife just looks so beautiful walking down the aisle. She’s wearing my grandmother’s veil. She totally doesn’t look three months pregnant.

Caroline Pohl

The Reindeer

January 2, 2017

Jim was an average reindeer. His legs were long, his flying skills were mediocre and his kids were slightly below average. He went to work every morning and came home every night until one day he could hardly breathe.

He was so distraught, should he fly to work? He was so ill. He’d have to call his supervisor, Larry, if he decided to call in sick. But Larry’s also an asshole. But that figures since he’s, like, Santa’s little bitch. He’s the one who never gets to fly the sleigh but does literally everything for Santa. Santa told him he couldn’t ride the sleigh because his name was stupid and it would be entirely lame if he rode the sleigh. But Larry didn’t do shit. He just took the hit and kept kissing Santa’s black nursing shoes.

Anyways, Jim decided to go to work that day. He had a box of tissues in his hay lunch sack and sniffled all the way to the office. The moment he got there, however, his world was turned upside down. No “Hi, Jim,” or just complete ignorance from his co-workers. Bill, a reindeer from the legal department, had his eyes so wide that Jim couldn’t just ignore it. He went up to Bill, “Hey, Bill.”

Bill put his hooves to his nose, “Oh my god,” he whispered to himself, “You know my name.”

Larry didn’t think much of his comment until it happened all the way into his building, reindeers staring and whispering. Hooves stopped in their tracks and plain staring at Jim like he was Dasher or Dancer. Maybe they noticed I did the toy charts differently this year and thought it was a genius idea, Jim thought.

And then before he flew into his office, Larry stopped him at the door. He was ecstatic. The most ecstatic that Jim had ever seen. His eyes were glowing and he said, “Sir, I had no idea you would be coming in. Wow, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Now Jim didn’t know what think of this. He came to work everyday, he did his charts, he came on time and left on time. What was different today?

And then everything was made clear to him when the secretary Mary came up to him, “Rudolph, oh my god.”

Rudolph.

They thought he was Rudolph. He looked entirely like the same reindeer he was 24 hours ago but only with a cold, his nose red from blowing it so much. And they thought he was Rudolph.

“Fuck ya’ll,” he said, slamming his office door and finishing his toy charts for the year. He quit after he got his holiday bonus and applied to be a sleigh reindeer, his dream. He never saw Larry again after the year finished. The End.

Happy Late Holidays.

Caroline Pohl

Pilot

January 1, 2017

My first ~blog~ post. I cannot take myself seriously with a goddamn blog. No one will probably ever read it because I’m too embarrassed to promote myself: “Oh yeah, I have a bloog.” And I definitely don’t want to be the person who thinks of something and says “Oh wow, that would be ~great~ for my bloog.” But here I am, selling out. Oh, well. I wouldn’t expect too much from me. I’m a pretty busy person. Between writing stories about elves at an office Christmas party on the North Pole and thinking about where I am and wondering why I even exist at all, I don’t have much time for this thing. But I’ll do my best. For the sake of my ambitious career path. I hope you can appreciate my artistry and how wonderful I am as, not only a human being, but as an artist. Artistry is so important and in so many ways. I will name some right now if you want. You don’t? Oh. Okay.

  1. Art is art is art.
  2. Art is the key.
  3. Art is the symbol.
  4. Art is the reason.
  5. Art is the answer.

Someone is going to quote me on that one day.

In the one sentence of sincerity in this entire post, I hope you enjoy my stories and my posts in the future. I don’t know how you found me, but thank you for contributing to the Save Caroline’s Future Foundation (SCFF).

Oh and Happy New Year.